OK, so I haven’t been what they call “diligent” in keeping up with posting lately. That is to say, I haven’t done it at all. Here I had this grand idea—I was finally getting my own web space, I was going to discipline myself to write at least once a week, and everything was going to be great. Sounded like a plan—until I got engaged. We decided the wedding would be at the end of July, which left us a solid three and a half months to plan…except we aren’t just planning a wedding—we’re planning a wedding, a full self-guided tour of England for a honeymoon, a move to DC, enrollment in grad school for me, and a new job for her. Oh, and a yard sale to get rid of our mounds of extra crap. So…yeah.

However, I do want to take out a bit of time here and there to record at least part of the insanity of this summer for posterity and possible future elaboration. In that spirit, what follows is the first part of a series I began a month or two ago. Like I said, it’s still oversimplified at this point, but I had to get something up here.

Wedding planning is more complicated than you may think…at least, it is if you’re a male and haven’t been vetting your bridal party since elementary school. Since I’m having to go through it, though, I figured I’d be helpful and try to give you as complete an overview as possible of the entire process so you’ll know just what to expect. You might not do everything in the same chronological order as listed, but you’ll have to do all of it at one point or another, so pay attention¹.

As I’m currently in the thick of all this myself, I don’t have an overabundance of time to sit down and write about it, possible therapeutic benefits of such a practice aside. Hence, many of my descriptions will be insufficient, and my updates might be few and far between. Um…sorry?

The proposal

The official start of the wedding process is typically left up to the male, the first in an interminable series of tests of his patience and resolve. He is expected to procure some sort of ring-like apparatus and devise a completely original yet still traditionally romantic way of presenting it.

The Halo 3 proposal should be reserved for…unique circumstances, so I opted for something slightly more boring—a home-cooked dinner followed by a surprise around dessert time. If going this route, I suggest following my lead and serving at least one full bottle of wine with the meal, reserving most of it for the one doing the proposing. This will cut down on the nerve factor and, if done right, will give you the swimmy-eyed look you’re going for with little to none of the pesky emotional investment.

The rings

Photo by pennydogaccessories

Mentioned in passing in the previous section, the rings really are an important part of the whole affair, symbolizing as they do the unbroken nature of the marital bond, eternal love, and I’m sure several other intellect-withering clichés that aren’t in use in my part of the country.

For the proposal itself, any placeholder ring will suffice, with preference going to a Cracker Jack box toy or, perhaps better, a ring decorated with a skull and crossbones—the special mixture of delight and repulsion you’ll get from the latter will be worth the trip to Hot Topic or wherever you managed to actually find a ring like that.

Some girls will want to go ring shopping with you before you’ve even hinted at proposal. These girls are, for the most part, to be avoided. Men reserve their right to buy their wives completely inappropriate gifts, and if that right is usurped before the marriage even begins, who knows what will be next on the chopping block?

Finalizing her ring setting and stone can be a journey unto itself, as any respectable jeweler will have at least one 600-page catalog for her to look through. Somewhere midway through this process, you might start to think, “Won’t I need a ring too?” and you might consider mentioning this thought to the jeweler.

Don’t bother. Men have approximately five viable design choices, and they’re not all that distinct; you might as well get the jeweler to bring them out in their accompanying boxes and play Five-ring Monte—it’s as discerning a decision-making tactic as any in this situation. Of course, you’re welcome to go with the two-tone yellow and white gold Celtic band that looks like it was forged in an Oakland recycling plant, but if you do, at least send me a picture.

The flowers

Flowers? But…aren’t flowers in church just for funerals and Christmas? Apparently not.

Gladiolus, Hydrangea, Peony, Lily, Iris…I recommend saying “yes” frequently during this part of  the planning.

Problems with your florist? I feel for you, but I can’t help you. Short of sneaking into the florist’s bedroom and ensuring they wake up next to a pair of oversized garden shears, there’s not a lot the man can do in this situation, aesthetically ill-equipped as we are wont to be. I don’t even have the vocabulary to get involved. Make sure my boutonniere doesn’t

1. look like it was wrapped by Egyptian embalmers, or
2. look like a garden path shrub

and we’ll be fine. Turns out that’s enough of a request anyway. Seriously, look at some of the pictures out there².

The dress

the Prina Tornai...also known as the "Beetlejuice dress"

Ah, the dress. Surrounded by mystique, superstition, and reverence, having the proper wedding dress is of paramount importance to your wedding day and, by extension, the overall success of your marriage. Don’t look at the price tag³.

Surprisingly, this has been probably the least complicated part of my wedding planning process to date, ranking well below reception tablecloth fabric in difficulty. It involved one afternoon of my fiancée and her mother driving 1/2 hour to a nearby city posing as a metropolis and looking at a few boutiques until she found just what she wanted. Boom, done. Just like that. Pray you’re as lucky.

The tuxes

With her appropriately dressed, chances are you’ll be expected to show up in something other than a t-shirt and jeans. You may have designs on that classy number you saw in Dumb and Dumber all those years ago, but it turns out those can be really hard to find, and you’ll want to conserve the creative energy it would take to arrange that for pulling pranks at the reception anyway.

You don’t get to go dress shopping with her (and what a shame that is), but you’d better take her tux shopping. You want something that you like that also looks good on you; she wants something that looks good on everyone who might possibly be wearing one, from your fathers all the way down to the ringbearer. How considerate of her—but let’s look at it this way:  if you were planning the wedding…there wouldn’t be a wedding. So there’s that.

Next time on “how to sabotage—err, plan a wedding”…

• picking your wedding party
• catering
• the cake
• the venue
• the reception venue
• the reception decorations
• and much, much⁴ more…

1. I’ll be doing this from the perspective of the male in the equation, both for my relevant experience and because there’s just not enough useful advice for us out there (blast you, Knot). [↩]
2. but not all of them; you’ll go blind far before you finish [↩]
3. Actually, I didn’t go on the dress shopping trip for a couple different reasons, so I don’t know whether they even have tags, or whether they’re just on display like the steaks at a fancy restaurant—if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. [↩]
4. too much? [↩]